Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
I wore home his HoHoHo boxers. I've never felt such a connection to an article of clothing.
I'm sorry but the visual image of you suffocating on vagina is basically hysterical
I'd just like to inform you. That when I was at bvj the first day I was blackout drunk by noon. Get on past Chelsea's level like now. Do it for present Chelsea
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
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