Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
we are watching a video on ethics because somebody wrote "butt sex" on the attendance sign in sheet
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
Randomize
