I totally got off with my controler for my ps3. Soooo glad I ended up with that racing game for Christmas.
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
