He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
i'm soo broke, the only trip i can afford for spring break is acid
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
I'm still working on figuring out my birthday blowjob schedule. I'd love to just have all three of them get in there but I get the feeling they wouldn't like that.
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
