She was lying the whole time!
She was a great actress
I was a great dumbass
I don't know if you realize how depressing it is to get your card denied....when you're only spending $4.
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
Randomize
