I'm looking for sex. Do you know her?
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
We're high and this subject came up and I'd like a female opinion: if you were a dude, what would you do if a girl tried to give you a foot job?
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
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