I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
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Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
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All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
I honestly think sometimes all you need is a $2 alcoholic punch poured from a jug into a big glass to feel better. I guess abblebees is my new problematic fav
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