Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
just tried googling 24 hr taco bell and when i typed "24 hour" it autocompleted with fitness. buzzzz killllll
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
I'm in the upstairs bathroom. I went to the bathroom after class and realized this is not a shit I want to have publicly. I ran home. We can go to lunch, just give me a min
You don't understand. This boy has the Mona Lisa of cocks.
Randomize
