oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
I can do it, this is my punishment and I will accept it, plus id like to see the look on peoples faces when I throw up on them
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
i'm sitting in class and looking at who would die if all the fans suddenly fell from the ceiling. i guess i have next year to pass history..
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
Randomize
