i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
Fell asleep in bio again. Sometimes i feel like college is just one really expensive nap.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
we didnt even have break up sex...
you had it for us with someone else...
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
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