I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
him being a republican bothers me way more than his coke problem.
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
Randomize
