can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
dude so we were eating nacho cheese popcorn and chasing it with cole slaw
by the way nacho cheese popcorn is me making popcorn and then adding milk butter and mac n cheese mix
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
they sound like some classy girls.
Hey, I don't give them daddy issues, I just take advantage of it. The real bad guy here is American parenting.
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
Randomize
