I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
Did u see the proverb she left as a comment on my picture?
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
I am one with the molecules
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
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