Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
seagrams + popov + pineapple + milk. there, ur search for worlds worst drink is over. you're welcome
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
Randomize
