I attract so much trash. The guy that is engaged and kissed me is here so is his fiancé. I feel likeshw knows and will cut me in the bathroom might happen. If I'm not at the pool tomorrow she has blonde hair and is really flat.
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
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You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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