Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
at least franzia made me throw up pretty colors.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
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