dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
Just realized the guy is in my class. Unless there's another guy that had half his ear bit off at a St. Patty's party
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
It will pretty much be equal to the feeling I had when you let me hold your dick while you were peeing, or when I graduated high school!
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
Randomize
