His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
we should wear snuggies to the strip club
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
Randomize
