I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
I should not be in class today. For the professors sake.
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Randomize
