I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
there is a time and a place for ass-grabbing and that was not it.
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
how drunk are you?
Several
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
Randomize
