Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
Ok so the guy below me is either having sex very loudly or is very lonely
he had to fake a sneeze attack to hide the fact he came in 15 seconds?!
so its atleast an 8 for creativity.
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
Randomize
