Great. Don't do shady things like that ok?
Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
And PS thanks for calling it my "sexual liberation" and not "slut fest 2010: part deux!"
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
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