Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
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