I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
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