Just be blunt and say drink from my dick
mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
its was like we drinking an entire bottle of mystery
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
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