I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Randomize
