I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
Randomize
