Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
CHAZ BONO WILL BE ON THE NEXT SEASON OF DANCING WITH THE STARS.
Internet Is back!
MY NEWS TRUMPS YOURS.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
I shaved last nite, you should see my cock it looks like a beautiful skyscraper
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
Randomize
