Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
hey dude, just got with the girl in H4. so mark H off the apartment list
haha we are half through our lease and already checked off 17 letters
if Anne Taylor knew what she did in her clothes, she'd be banned from the store.
oh come on, it's the perfect length summer dress to blow a stranger in the bathroom in
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
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