You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
Well we went from the roof to the stairwell to an air mattres. One day were going to fuck in a bed
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
Your amazing boobs made me fall in love with boobs. I never cared about boobs you should be proud
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