Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
I could give you a full detailed description of 75% of the penises in that room
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
Pretty sure my body is in shock, I shouldn't feel this ok after last nite.
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
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