Did you see 7 ppl got hurt at Talladaga?
Did they get their mullets stuck in an engine?
I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.
We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.
I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
Wait is this black Chris #1, cocaine Chris, or gay Chris?
No this is saxophone Chris
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
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