the only time it's appropriate to sing In The Air Tonight by Phils Collins is while sake bombing at Cal Beach
um or while having sex on a train
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
Dude you has no fucking this poptart
What?
I dont know to explain this.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
Randomize