I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
eric is really sick so I'm taking care of him! :(
just blow him with soup in your mouth.
Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
theyre selling pepper spray in the courtyard. hellooo atl
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.
Fuhga
Thank you.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
Randomize
