i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
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