I will be home in 10 min. Dont be beating off on the couch
enter at your own risk
She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
and that my friend is why you dont go in for an eye exam and drop 250 dollars on a pair of glasses after smoking a blunt
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
you were telling us about the time you had sex in an alley and he stopped, looked up and said 'it was a cul-de-sac' and went right back to what he was doing.
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
Randomize
