it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
What did you even date her?
because emotionally unstable girls are great in bed.
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
THE HALLOWEEN QUEST WILL BE PICS OF US IN OUR COSTUMES IN EXCHANGE FOR DICK PICS. IT HAS BEEN DECIDED.
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
Randomize