I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
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