Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
Sacagawea was the original milf.
Puking green right now......... jaimison mcflurry very bad idea
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
Also I fell in love w a girl dressed as a pirate that was great at doing the limbo
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
Randomize
