the guy next to me needed a pen, so I let him take one from my book bag. my panties are now being passed around the class...thank you for telling me you hid them in my bookbag.
girl in the front row yawned. double jointed jaw. i know where i'll be sitting next class
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
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I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
dude you had a hot girl interested and took shots together, as soon as it went down the hatch you upchucked on her entire existance..
successful birthday. 2012 rules
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
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I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
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