I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
New word for getting laid so we don't sound like whores in public when we are talking about it : stamp the passport
maybe all of them together would equal one normal sized dick.
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
You ask to touch his thighs ten times and called them magnificent.....need I say more
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize
