Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
I'm thinking of having one or both of my boobs out. They're small but they're mighty.
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
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