i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
also, am i correct in guessing that advertising the size of my hypothetical penis is a turnoff to him?
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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