I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
Nice. Sry i missed. Also sorry that i pissed on my toothbrush last nite
Sink seemed easy target but balance was no good
In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
The homeless ppl in LA are great. Theres sum guy that makes all of his clothes out of tighty whitey underwear. He makes bags out of them 2. Presumably 2 hold more underwear.
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
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