woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
yeah well, its not like my astrogynecology class is teaching me what i need to know
im almost 90% sure there is no such thing as astrogynecology.
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
Randomize
