I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
So you thought it was a good idea to make plans for the same time same place with the guy you were sort of dating AND his best friend you slept with?
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
He passed out while I was riding him but stayed hard long enough for me to orgasm. He definitely earned the blow job I’m going to wake him up with in the morning!
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