YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
Responsibility does not care about your dick.
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
Randomize
