he kept bringing up different times we had sex and i wouldnt say anything back. i would never confirm nor deny the situation...like a politician ya kno
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
Randomize
