i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
I've hooked up with 3 different guys already this week...don't tell me I haven't been a productive member of society
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
I feel like I hate him but his dick too bomb to hate completely
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
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