In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
you were chalanging people to drink the "worlds biggest jager bomb" - a VASE of Redbull and a PINT of Jager... is it no wonder you dont remember anything?
Just found out its our ciliated mucous membrane that traps the molly when we snort it. Biology does relate to life
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
He talked me into making a sex video, no worries though, I was wearing sunglasses.
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
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