I swear god or herbie drove my car home
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
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