I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
Just smokin in the creek with some deer, they like the smoke, I know.
I'm pretty sure we scarred one of our coworkers. This is the second time he has caught us both fully undressed and banging at work.
Either he has bad timing or he wants to join.
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
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