I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
Randomize
