im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
okay just a general question, but if i got arrested, who here would bail me out. this is important.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
Ewe he just snapped me a pic of his butt crack.. Should I be concerned?
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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