That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
No, no. The rest of his everything inspires me to put his dick in my mouth
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
Its everclear night, yall need carbs in your body!
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
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