in vegas stuck in the middle of a pride right now
Pride?
thats a pack of cougars
go fuck yourself
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
Not much, just your average college male Sunday cleaning period blood out of the carpet.
Tell me you're kidding.
Besides scarred, I'm not much of anything right now.
Good point, clearly my love of penis contributed to my torn knee ligament.
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
Possibly threw up in my purse last night. Still suspicious of of all actions
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
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