I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
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