I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
After 9 shots a girl with a mustache......still not attractive
Now would be a great time to stop wondering " Who let the dogs out" and go to sleep
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
It's only slutty when someone else does it. It's okay if it's us though
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
I'm this close to masturbating to his profile pics from 2006
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
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