I'm ready for my liver to be the last casualty of 2009
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
Her boyfriend was hitting on other girls while drunk. But, she said she was okay with it because she is a feminist and she supports all women's decisions.
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
nothing can ever be as bad as the night i blacked out, updated my fb status to i need a pity fuck and then passed out for 13 hours.
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
Randomize
