Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
Your the only person to come back from spring break with a non std related infection
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
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